Life is tough, and if you’re lucky you’ll occasionally have moments of joy.
It’s true when you think about it. Most people’s lives are littered with hurt, upset, shame and many other tough experiences that bring about undesirable emotions. People find it much easier to recall their tales of struggle than their highest points. My mum recently said, “Life is about collecting socks off the bedroom floor and doing the dishes, and occasionally you’ll have some great moments too.” The more I read and crucially the more I experience, I genuinely don’t see this as a bad thing.
Life is about collecting socks off the bedroom floor and doing the dishes, and occasionally you’ll have some great moments too.
Rewind to last June. Just a few weeks after our separation, my ex partner told me he’d met someone else. My world shattered. The days that followed were dark, very dark. The brain releases chemicals of similar potency to heroin when we are in a relationship, so I now realise on a purely physical level I was experiencing ‘cold turkey’. Emotionally the torment was just as severe. But slowly as time went on, I started to notice the pain subside and once again I was able to experience the moments of joy life has to offer.
Almost 12 months on, I can look back and reflect on how things were during those times and the lessons I have learned (and am still learning) since. It is fair to say that when I was having these really tough days, nothing was right in my life, even if objectively the opposite were true. I’d find myself almost obsessively analysing my thoughts, actions, and decisions. I’d think catastrophic thoughts. When things were really bad I’d get drunk, regularly. I sought physical validation and occasionally lashed out at those closest to me. I was desperately trying to dodge my feelings, in this case shame. Who wouldn’t? They were deeply unpleasant and I wanted a way out.
Thankfully, my therapist offered me some wise words. He said (or I perceived) something like, “Adam, you have suffered a significant loss, a traumatic life event, your feelings are ok, they are valid, you don’t need to try and shut them down. See if any lessons are in there.”
At times I was writhing around on my bed convinced I was about to have a heart attack!
Slowly, I started using his advice. I forced myself to sit with these deeply uncomfortable emotions. I make it sound very calm – it certainly wasn’t. At times I was writhing around on my bed convinced I was about to have a heart attack! What I realised in doing this however, was that my hurt was not just related to the loss of a life partner, but to all the other unreconciled losses and abandonment I’d ever experienced in my life as well, going right back to childhood. I had been presented with a gift – an opportunity to reconcile these past traumas once and for all. I’m currently doing that work.
Lesson one:
When you have feelings that are unpleasant or unwelcome, try not to run away from them or seek to shut them down. Sit quietly with them (or with loud tears in my case) and ask yourself a question “what can I learn from these feelings?”
My second lesson is around happiness: It doesn’t last. And that’s ok.
Whenever I experienced moments of happiness in those dark days, I would instantly panic. My fear was that the feeling would disappear. Sadly, it meant I never got to experience the fullness of my happiness because it was always coupled with anxiety. But the truth is, happiness does disappear, all emotions do. They are ever changing.
Lesson two:
Happiness comes and goes, but so do the less desirable emotions. Now when I’m feeling happy, I try not to analyse it too much, nor panic about it ending, because for sure it will end. But the same goes for undesirable feelings, they pass too. On balance, today has been a tough day, but there have been moments of happiness in there as well. I’ve not clung on to either, just sought to experience them for what they are in the moment, knowing they’ll pass but taking the lessons they may offer me.
My advice to anyone fighting the battle of life is simple: It won’t always be tough, because nothing lasts forever, but there are lessons you can learn about yourself in the struggle. Happiness is often fleeting and should be savored, in the full knowledge that it won’t last, but it will return.
None of this is easy, undesirable emotions still often grip me. I am the start of my journey. But I am increasingly more capable of soothing my own hurt, and that is a huge leap forward in learning to love me.