A Scalded Cat

It’s been a week since I returned to the UK from my first ‘taster’ trip in South East Asia. I’m sat in my apartment in Manchester on a Sunday afternoon, the sun is shining bright and I can hear the hum of the city. It feels like the perfect time to share some of my thoughts upon returning.

I had expected to feel a sense of disconnection with the Western world, perhaps even a rejection of it having appreciated the simplicity of such basic living in SE Asia. But as I sat down in my favourite comfy armchair, I felt something very different. I felt a strong sense of calm. For the first time in three years (since moving to Manchester) I felt I was home.

This brief sense of relief and gratitude was quickly followed by a tidal wave of anxiety – a reminder that I’m moving out in a few days time in preparation for my travels. Just as I feel I can call a place home, I’m moving again! I’ve spent the last week thinking about what all this might mean – us therapeutic types never like to miss an opportunity for self-analysis!

Before I delve into that however, let me say something about this blog. When I set it up, I wanted it to be authentic. I didn’t want it to be an edited version of my life for the purpose of seeking external validation, though I accept that on some level that will happen – I’m not posting these entries altruistically. As I go about the task of tackling my shame and low self-worth, I want to share as much as I can, as honestly as I can.

Being away from home for three weeks in a completely different environment provided some welcome perspective on my life. It dawned on me just how stressed I was before leaving the UK – not the best time to make big decisions.

With that in mind, it’s time for my first dose of honesty. I think my plans to travel the world were a tad hasty. Being away from home for three weeks in a completely different environment provided some welcome perspective on my life. It dawned on me just how stressed I was before leaving the UK – not the best time to make big decisions. As my Nan would say, I was ‘running around like a scalded cat’ for months. This fantastic expression is one of many she frequently delights me with. I particularly like this one though, as it perfectly explains how I was behaving before I headed out on my trip. I was a man on the fringes of sanity.

Since being away, the force with which my body and mind are telling me to ‘take time out’ has overwhelmed me. Having spent the most part of my life living up to what I think others expect of me (a common trait of people who have embedded shame), I’m still getting used to following my own internal compass when it comes to meeting my needs. This time however, I don’t need to listen too carefully as the message is abundantly clear – “stand down”.

Spending every penny I own is not an act of self-care. It even has the potential to defeat the very object of the trip. That said I would be unwise to ignore my body’s warnings. A shortened travel experience (3-4 months) where I can fully relax and recharge over the summer, before returning in the autumn seems like a good alternative. I’m 90% certain this is what I’ll do, not least because it would allow me to get my Masters Degree started – something I am deeply passionate about.

I’m anxious about publishing this post. I’ve made quite a song and dance about going away. I even have a farewell party planned to mark the start of my traveling adventure! Shame messages are sounding loud and my inner critic (more on her soon) is having a field day by telling me how much of a let down I am. But as I suggested earlier, I want to be authentic with this blog. To write things ‘real-time’ feels like the only way people will get a true sense of how the mind of someone with low self-worth works – erratic would be quite an accurate descriptor in this case!

Placing confidence in my internal compass feels very much like trial and error. I still question whether my decisions are shame driven, or true acts of self-care.

I’m at the very start of a new relationship with myself. I still have to listen really hard to understand my needs and I don’t always get it right (sound familiar to most relationships?). Placing confidence in my internal compass feels very much like trial and error. I still question whether my decisions are shame driven, or true acts of self-care. What comes naturally to so many is a very new concept to me. I take comfort in knowing that the best thing about making decisions is that you can keep on making them until one feels right.

I’m learning every day. Learning to love me.

 

Cover Picture – Manchester Skyline from my apartment. If you look closely the cranes are ‘wobbly’ as my phone vibrated as I took the picture!