I’ve talked in previous posts about shame and the negative effects it can have on a person’s ability to live a fulfilled life. My version of shame is the voice inside my head that says (amongst other hurtful things), “You’re unlovable, and worthless.”
In attempts to silence that voice, shame drives people to extraordinary lengths. Those in battle with shame are often perfectionists like I was (and still am to an extent). We hope that if we can just make every single thing in our lives perfect, the critical voice in our heads will disappear because it’ll have nothing to criticize, logical I guess. Sadly, trying to tackle shame with perfectionism (or external validation for that matter) is like building an ice sculpture – it looks great in the moment it’s finished, but very soon after you’re back to a puddle of water, mopping up and starting again.
In the case of shame, when I think I’ve reached one of my ludicrous goals, I get a temporary high and for moments (and only ever moments), I’m able to give the middle finger to my shame master. But soon after the voice is back. “So you did all that and you still can’t silence me, look how pathetic you are!” This is the danger zone, because if I’m not able to realise what’s happening, my automatic response is to set a higher goal or seek more validation. Each time I’m digging myself deeper into a shame trap.
Many of the people I speak to about shame often tell me about the ferocity of their own shame masters and how they’ve struggled to silence them. It is here in this struggle that I believe a real paradox exists.
If someone suffers with debilitating shame, chances are it’s a battle they’ve been fighting for years. As such, the lengths to which they will have gone to in an attempt to silence that critical voice are probably significant – big promotions, huge mortgages, dysfunctional relationships, punishing gym routines. The list goes on.
I believe the paradox is that these actions often require a person to be vulnerable, brave and courageous – the very things their shame masters would never allow them to believe they were!
When I announced that I was traveling the world, a number of people told me how “brave” I was to go it alone. How much of an “inspiration” I was to leave the country in search of myself. To me I was neither of those things. I wanted to silence my shame master, who was saying things like “You’ve failed to meet someone since your divorce, you’ll be single forever. You haven’t been able to set up a successful new company and hold on to your clients or staff, you’re a failure.” What others saw as bravery and inspiring, I saw as necessary to get some respite from emotional torment. However in my recent trip to South East Asia, I realised my shame master also has a passport, which was an insight that contributed to my decision to shorten the planned travels.
Because of where I am in my journey, I’m usually able to identify these aspects of my behaviour and make changes. But it wasn’t always that way and even now I don’t always time it right. Sometimes I do something and then reflect a while later (usually head in hands!). Other times I spot it in the moment. Increasingly however, I’m able to stop myself ahead of doing something detrimental. Of course, utopia is to achieve the latter in all cases, but I’m human. So long as I’m able to reflect and learn, I see that as progress.
To an outsider it may look like the ramblings of a schizophrenic, but creating a dialogue with your shame master… can be really insightful.
Developing a constructive relationship with my shame master is proving to be the only way I can tame them. On the recommendation of my fantastic therapist, writing in a journal has been invaluable in doing this. To an outsider it may look like the ramblings of a schizophrenic, but creating a dialogue with your shame master and asking questions like “why are you so horrible to me?” and “can I see some evidence of your harsh critique please?” (and crucially, answering those questions) can be really insightful. In my case, I’ve learned that these cruel words are driven from shame, related to childhood traumas that conditioned me to believe I am unlovable.
I’ve no doubt that there are people with genuine ambition, who achieve great things in their lives from a very grounded place. But I wonder how many owners of flash cars, mansion houses and well paid executives, are actually being tormented by shame masters.
My battle continues.
Featured Image: Locals waiting out early morning (5am) to give alms (food) to the local monks. Luang Prabang – Laos.