1. My experience is unique
My depression is unique. Sure, I have the clinical symptoms of depression, which many people share, but I’m experiencing those symptoms in my own unique way. My depression is a little bastard. By the very nature of it being unique, nobody can ever really understand what I’m going through, which makes it quite a lonely experience at times.
2. I can’t choose when to have a bad day
Sometimes, when a positive situation presents itself, my depression chooses to make an appearance and rob my ability to fully enjoy it. Happiness becomes just a concept. I want to second guess my depression, find out where the little shit will be lurking next. I want to find out exactly what stirs its ugly head. But I’ve learned that my depression follows no pattern, has no clear triggers and relishes in the element of surprise. In fact, trying to justify why I’m down often makes it worse, because often I can’t.
3. It’s scary
I’ve mastered putting on a ‘brave face’, but sometimes I’m terrified that I’ve lost control of my mind and it’ll be that way forever. There are days when I try my absolute best to hold on to positive thoughts, but my depression convinces me that more comfort exists in the dark, troubled corners of my mind. And I believe it. So I go there. I worry about going insane. My depression convinces me that I am.
There are days when I try my absolute best to hold on to positive thoughts, but my depression convinces me that more comfort exists in the dark, troubled corners of my mind.
4. It has a best friend (called anxiety)
Turns out my depression has a partner in crime – my anxiety. When depression is with me, my anxiety’s job is to convince me that I’ll sink into a black hole of unhappiness forever, whilst over-analysing every step along the way. My anxiety keeps my adrenaline on trickle mode, which means the only time I truly relax is when I sleep. It tires me out both mentally and physically, but I’ve learned to accept it because if I attempt to shut it down, it has a big ugly friend who appears with renewed force – my depression.
5. You can’t rescue me from my depression or my anxiety, but you can support me
I know you love me and I know you want to take my depression and anxiety to one side and tell them leave me alone, but you don’t have to, you can’t, and they wouldn’t listen anyway. You don’t need to tell me it’ll be ok, because some days I just won’t believe you and we’ll fall out. Just know that when you feel I’m hurting you, I don’t mean it. When I cry, just wipe away my tears. When I’m desperate, just sit with me. And when I’m in the darkest of places, don’t reach for the light. Just remind me it’ll pass. Because it always does and it always will.
Featured image: views from the west coast travelling from San Francisco to Los Angeles.