It’s almost a month since I returned back from my travels. I made a video not long after returning to share my experience with you, including the very spiritual and enlightening time I had in South America with the healing plant Ayahuasca. But how have things been since getting back?
If I were answering that question with a type of biscuit, I’d say ‘chocolate digestive’ – fairly plain but enough to keep me satisfied. You only have to take a look at my Instagram feed to see how little I’ve done and seen since my return. In many ways it’s felt like a relief. No longer rushing from one thing to the next. Not having the anxiety that I may have booked the wrong flight, or that I’ll run out of money. But in other ways, I think a part of me is craving those adrenalin rushes.
Catching up with family and friends has certainly been a highlight of my return (the chocolate on the biscuit!). Being able to see my nearest of dearest without the medium of a mobile phone certainly makes a world of difference. FaceTime or Skype will never replace the warmth of a loving hug. But after catching up with everyone, and with routine beginning to take hold, things feel different and I can’t figure out whether I’m happy about that or not.
I’ve started University and I’m really enjoying it. I was a little anxious for the first couple of weeks as it was so different to what I’d been doing over the summer. But now we have started skills practice I truly feel like I have found my passion and purpose. It has been great to see my fellow students again and also to meet new people with shared interests.
I’ve thought a lot about how I’m feeling recently, and I guess a word that stands out is ‘neutral’. I panicked a little as I sat here and thought about what word to use, as so frequently my depression made me feel numb to the world around me. But there is a subtle and notable difference between neutral and numb. Numb to me suggests a lack of feeling, no fluctuation of emotion, no active engagement. When I think of neutral I think rested, peaceful, passive. It’s certainly the latter for me, but the feeling is almost as alien as my depression was in the early days.
I moved home no less than 8 times. I had to contend with three different jobs, a turbulent relationship and subsequent divorce, the collapse of my business and a personal existential crisis. On some deeply perverse level, I think I became addicted to drama.
If I’m honest with myself, I’m feeling a sense of loss. I’ve lost the drama in my life and it’s left a big hole. The three years previous to this summer were absolutely full of it. I moved home no less than 8 times. I had to contend with three different jobs, a turbulent relationship and subsequent divorce, the collapse of my business and a personal existential crisis. On some deeply perverse level, I think I became addicted to drama. As if a fly on the wall, I’ve observed my behaviour since returning. I think I may be trying to recreate some of that drama. Despite having ample time, I’m delaying certain tasks, which will result in pressure as the deadline approaches. I’m ignoring other things, like my bank account balance knowing ultimately that will create a personal financial crisis. And emotionally, I’m refusing to accept that maybe I have moved on from the past. I tell myself I’m building up to another breakdown.
Of course, the difference now is that I can observe all these behaviours and make changes to avoid a dramatic ending. I’ve sorted my finances and planned my work so it’s not too stressful. On the emotional side of things, I know intuitively that I’ve moved on from my past, albeit recognising I’ll have sensitive scars for life. I think the Ayahuasca experience fast forwarded my emotional healing process but my intellectual mind is taking a little more time to catch up!
I’m in a good place and in the main part, I feel content. I haven’t had an episode of depression for almost two months. Things are, well… they’re good. I think I’m simply experiencing regular life. I wrote about this a while back. For most people life isn’t full of dramatic highs and crashing lows. In the main part, for most people life is quite routine. We get up, we go to work, we come home, we eat, we sleep, we repeat.
So where is my head at? I’m an ex drama addict. I’m adjusting to a new pace of life. I’m happy. I love that I have feelings about things, something depression robbed from me for a long time.
I went travelling to put my past behind me and nurture a state of peace from within. I feel my past has lessened it’s hold over me however quite ironically, I never realised being peaceful would take so much of my strength.