Something quite special is happening in my life at the moment, and it seems to be an unintended consequence of me establishing a new identity. For the first time in my life, things seem to be aligning, making more sense, and I think I know why.
In my last post I wrote about the pain of ambiguity, how the ‘not knowing’ was really affecting me and how it was incredibly frustrating at times. There’s no doubt that in many aspects of my life, that ambiguity still exists, but something has changed. I seem to be much more at ease with it. I appear to be getting comfortable with existing very much in the now, without allowing myself to get caught up in a future that doesn’t yet exist.
So what’s changed? Well, I think I’m starting to find my tribe. I can’t remember whether it was me, my therapist or a friend who used the word, but it fits perfectly. Before the end of my last relationship, I was Adam the pleaser – all things to all people. I was a chameleon. I’d meet someone and make an instant assessment about which ‘Adam’ I needed to be in order to gain their approval. To an extent, most social creatures do this, but I went further. I wanted to be accepted by everyone. I couldn’t deal with the thought of someone not liking me or worse, the thought of offending someone.
From a very young age, I learned that gaining attention from my parents was conditional. When you’re a very young child, you experience that attention as a life line – you’ll die without it (or so that’s what your subconscious believes). Interestingly, both positive and negative attention are acceptable lifelines to a young child. It is only getting no attention that threatens survival. Some children ‘play up’ to incite the anger (attention) of their parents, but I learned a different tactic – I learned how to be the ‘perfect child’. I noticed how I didn’t get any attention if I was angry, overly upset or expressed any kind of ‘negative’ emotions (negative as socially perceived that is – I think all emotions are healthy). However, if I was calm, happy, kind, etc. the attention was bountiful. I write about this as if I was actually thinking it consciously at the time – that wasn’t the case. These would have been things going on very deep in my subconscious. A child has one mission – survival.
As I navigated this complex terrain (many adults struggle to figure this stuff out, let alone 2+ year olds!) it enabled me to develop what I now class as the most precious gift and worst curse – I have a heightened sense of reading ‘sub text’. That is to say, when I’m around new people, much as I had to read my parents signals to know how to behave to gain their attention, I have carried this skill into my adulthood. I’m not 100% accurate, in fact far from it. But having researched the subject (Alice Miller – Drama of Being a Child) I do believe I have a level of awareness that is much deeper than people who didn’t have to make these adaptions as young children. To summarise, I feel I’m pretty good at sussing out what I think someone’s needs are and adapting myself to be the person to meet those needs.
So how does this fit into tribes I hear you ask? Good question. Well, it means that until very recently I don’t feel I have belonged to any particular tribe. Apart from perhaps (unknowingly) the tribe of people who aren’t part of a tribe! I have spent all my life being so many things to so many people and I wonder why I was left feeling without an identity when the main pillars of my life collapsed. It seems so obvious now – I simply didn’t have an identity of my own. I borrowed other people’s in the moment I was with them. That’s the curse bit.
So, tribes. I made it my mission in 2015 to ‘create Adam’ and I’ve been doing that ever since. Trying new things, travelling different places, putting myself forward for different experiences. Slowly, things have started to resonate. Certainly university being one of them. But it wasn’t until the last week that I realised how this is all linked. It seems that the more I establish an identity of my own (rather than copying others) the more I seem to be attracting like-minded individuals. And by like-minded, I mean authentic. People who also have a stronger sense of their identity. And here’s the bonus – the more I connect with these people, ‘my tribe’, the more I feel emboldened by a deep sense of connection. People are now connecting with me at my core, and it feels incredible. Because with that genuine connection comes acceptance and validation – the things we all crave.
The gift? Well, it’s something Alice Miller talks about in her book. I’m training to be a psychotherapist. What is a quality worth having a therapist? Being able to read the subtext of course! Being able to sit with someone and work out what’s really going on for them, perhaps even when they don’t know. So my parents gave me a great gift in that way, because I feel it’ll really help me as I work with others. And I’d like to point out that my parents weren’t abusive or unkind. They made mistakes, just like every parent does. Everyone has their battles to fight, parent and child.
So it seems like I have passed a milestone, or at least that is how it feels. Putting your true self out there (or as much of that true self as you know at the time in my case) is a vulnerable thing to do. You’ll suffer losses and rejection. Not everyone will want to be part of your tribe, and that really is ok (I say this to convince myself as much as you – it’s still early days!). But when someone steps into your world, holds out their hand and connects with the true centre of you, I can say that it is more meaningful, more fulfilling and far more likely to bring joy to your life, than a thousand connections with a façade. So go out there and be brave, go out there and be you.