It’s Mental Health Awareness Week and given my previous experiences of depression and anxiety, I really wanted to write something that might have some meaning to the thousands of people out there who struggle with their mental health every day. Whilst my blog only has a small following, I feel that we can all do our bit to make life a little easier for those in need.
Those of you who know me personally have likely noticed the change in me since I returned from my travels. The way I see the world is different now, along with my purpose. Before I was distracted by money, status and material possessions. These days I find myself drawn towards connecting deeply with others, helping people find a sense of peace within themselves and developing more self-compassion.
Based on my own personal experiences and those of the people I work with, I strongly believe that no matter how dark things can sometimes appear, there is a light within all of us, glowing gently and seeking to guide us back to peace. I’m aware that this may sound rather spiritual for some of those reading. That may encourage some of you to read more, or you may already be thinking you’ll give me another few sentences and if I don’t snap back you’ll sign out. Naturally I’d like you to read on.
When you were conceived, in that very moment you weren’t anything other than pure energy. You didn’t have the capability to judge yourself or others, you just existed in a state of presence. Much like the nature we observe around us, you weren’t concerned by what your future looked like, nor by what happened in your past. You were simply existing, moment to moment. If you were fortunate enough, this would have been a feature of your early childhood, too.
To survive in this world, you were gifted an ego. The ego starts developing as you noticed your sense of ‘self’. Your ego is designed to keep you safe. It warns you about potential danger, both physical and mental. It is the voice in your head that says “I wouldn’t trust them” or “I think you should walk faster now – it feels dangerous out here.” We could not survive without ego.
But in the modern world, the ego has mutated. It especially doesn’t understand western culture, and it’s frightened. So when you step up for a promotion at work, your ego kicks in – “you’re not good enough, they’ll laugh at you, don’t go for it.”. This is not a statement of truth. In a strange way, this is your ego trying to protect you. We rely on social connections to survive. In this situation your ego thinks that you may be socially excluded, so it wants to shut down that risk, pronto. If you have ever dared to dream about achieving something big (which usually involves taking a risk) I’d put money on your ego being right next to you, ready to sabotage the plans.
Your ego is the voice inside your head that says you’re not good enough, so don’t bother. In other words, sit down, be small and don’t cause any waves that might risk your ‘survival’. This was in part, the voice of my depression. It took hold and convinced me I was worthless and that I best just keep my head down and sink into a black hole where I’d go unnoticed.
You are not your ego
This was a revelation I first experienced in South America, but I have been fortunate enough to have had several reminders since. Have you ever thought to yourself “I wish these voices in my head weren’t so cruel sometimes.”? If so, let me ask you a question – who is observing those thoughts and wishing they weren’t so critical?
Sometimes people say things like “I had to have a word with myself”. These days I smile and follow up with a simple question – “who is “I” and who is “myself”?”. It is in these statements that an obvious truth exists – that two ‘entities’ exist within you. One is your ego, and the other, I believe is your peaceful, centred self. The latter is the self that cares about your wellbeing in a totally different way to your ego. This centred self is non-critical of self and others. I call this my light.
We all have this light. It is the light within us that knows love, and joy. It is the same light within us that appreciates beauty. It is this light that seeks to care for others.
When we find ourselves in any kind of distress, it is possible that we are making a fundamental error – we are mistaking the voice of our ego as being the voice at the centre of ourselves. This is not true. When I was depressed, it was my ego that suggested I was a lost cause. But it was the light within me that sought help. It was my ego that told me I was useless. But it was my light that guided me to peace.
When you can understand that this light exists within you, always, I am certain that things will begin to shift. When you can become a kind observer of your critical, ego-fuelled negative thoughts, a sense of freedom like no other can follow. When you begin to recognise the difference between the voice of your light and your ego, it won’t be long before you harness your personal power of choice – the choice over which voice you intend to hold your counsel with. Remember – the ego can be useful, but you can decide which bits of it you listen to and act upon.
My work now gives me the absolute honour of working with some incredible people, who have amazing capacity. Just the other day I met with someone who is suffering with a mindset of “I’m broken”. We explored how that wasn’t this person’s true voice. This was in part, their ego. I asked them what part of them they thought was encouraging them to seek help in their struggle. It’s early days but I sensed a that this person felt their light, and that light was wanting to shine.
I had the great fortune in South America of not only understanding that I have a light shining within me, but feeling that light, too. I now see the same light clearly in others. We live in an ego fuelled culture. We are encouraged to only look after ourselves and acquire possessions to keep our economy moving, yet we are still looking for that sense of peace and fulfilment. I believe material things are distracting us from what I see as the only universal truth – that all the healing we seek, all the love we crave and all the peace we desire is far closer to home. It is within us. It is within you.
Cover image: Palm Trees on Venice Beach, Los Angeles, April 2017.