Depression & The Tower

For the last few months I’ve really struggled to motivate myself and since the South East Asia trip, it’s gotten worse. I’m not getting the same enjoyment out of the things I used to, I have a poor diet, sleepless nights, achy body, etc. I tick every box on the list of symptoms for depression. With this in mind, yesterday I took myself off to the doctors. Within ten minutes of being there I left with a prescription. In her medial opinion, I am depressed. 

However, something didn’t feel right with using medication, at least not yet. Fortunately this morning I had a therapy session booked and I’d like to share some of what we discussed. It was a game changer for me.

Depression is a generic label that is used for an incredibly unique and very personal experience. That is to say, almost every person will describe his or her own version of depression. For me, it’s a loss of self. As an example, I imagine the things I’d like to do to improve my situation, yet when I am faced with doing them I have zero motivation. Not every day admittedly, but more days than I feel comfortable with. It is beyond frustrating. For deep thinkers like me, who can perhaps intellectualise what is happening in their minds but not control it, that frustration can turn quickly to shame (internal voice says “you know this stuff, yet you are still falling victim to it, you’re an idiot.”). It’s debilitating.

Today, my therapist talked to me about a particular tarot card (he’s very into symbolism). You can see it below. Essentially it represents what has happened in my life. My tower (encompassing my relationship, job, home, identity) has been struck and is irreversibly damaged (or in my case, obliterated!). There’s no going back. The people in the tower (representing me) have to jump out into the surrounding roaring ocean (representing my raw emotions and demons). 

The tower protected me in many ways. But as the past twelve months has shown, it was unstable. It contained destructive patterns of behaviour, shame messages and wasn’t somewhere anyone would choose to live. Despite this, I would never have consciously chosen to destroy my tower so drastically; very few people would. It was a shack, but a shack is better than no shelter at all, right? But I didn’t have a choice. The destructive lightening wasn’t mine. 

I knew last year that despite the ongoing traumas, I had an opportunity to learn and to change. So you could call it depression, or you could say I’m currently in the depths of myself. I am rebuilding and I am now in the foundations of my new life. Yes, it’s mucky down here, it’s dark and sometimes scary. But the deeper I go, the more I see of the environment, the stronger my foundations will ultimately be.

So, I’m choosing to not use the word depression. Not because I’m in denial or because I think there is anything wrong with that label, but because for me personally it has negative connotations. Conversely, I am starting to see this as a necessary and fruitful part of building my new life. It’s healthily ‘digging out’ my new foundations. It’s not enjoyable, it’s not pleasant, but it means I’m building something stable, something that represents me. My tower may have gone, but in its place I’m able to build a nurturing haven. 

In the words of my therapist, I am exactly where I need to be right now.