I convinced myself I could walk on water, and not just water… rainbow water, the kind of water you see when oil is present in it
So what is there to say about the self-proclaimed epicentre of the world? From smoking weed, to witnessing Ken Hom and Anika Rice serenade women in Vegas (not linked events!) it has been a quote an experience. Tears have been shed, laughs have been had. So let’s break it down.
My US adventure started in San Francisco, where a good friend came to meet me. I visited San Francisco about ten years ago with my ex. I’d felt a connection to the city back then, which sadly didn’t seem to chime this time around. It’s a great place and I’d recommend it to anyone for it’s rich history, street cars and of course the Golden Gate. But for me it just lacked something this time around. This could be my mind at the time though, as I know many people love this city. That certainly didn’t stop me having plenty of fun in the Castro (gay) District however – say no more! I did manage to sneak in lunch at the Google offices too, thanks to some networking by my friend. Oh and catching the eye of a cute Latino one night certainly lifted my mood.
From San Francisco we ventured for three days into Yosemite national park. After the Canadian Rockies I thought I may be a bit of a ‘landscape snob’ and the park would be nothing in comparison, but I’m pleased I kept an open mind as it didn’t disappoint. The drive out took about four hours but after that it was just three days of natural, outstanding beauty. So many incredible vistas, so much, nature. My highlight was stargazing one evening and seeing the milky way for the for the first time in my life. Glacier point is the sixth darkest place on the planet at night! Second to that was tasting my first ‘smore’ around the campfire on the evening of Independence Day (a smore is a ridiculously yummy combination of toasted marshmallow, melted chocolate and savoury cracker, which tastes so good you just want ‘smore’, get it? Google it).
After the beauty of Yosemite, we hit the road for an ocean drive from San Fran all the way down to LA, stopping at Santa Cruz, Santa Barbara and some dodgy service station come al fresco dining place where an unfortunate bride was celebrating her marriage in the fog that had descended upon that part of the coast! A western coastal drive has everything you’d imagine – beautiful views, lovely winding roads… and driving fatigue after about three hours(!). Fortunately, my friend and I shared the task of driving so we could both enjoy the views (and snooze).
We skipped a stop to arrive in LA a little early. There’s only so much coast you can take before you want to kick off the flip flops and get your party shoes on! Our hosts in LA didn’t disappoint in helping with the latter. We stayed in West Hollywood (WeHo to locals) which is ‘the gay part of LA’. I mean, literally. Even the town logo is pride colours! It was all kinds of fun and there were many ‘firsts’ for me, which shall remain in my private journal for now! Needless to say, to have ‘firsts’ at the ripe age of 32 is pretty impressive given my track record! Our hosts however do deserve a special mention. They showed us around, welcomed us into their cosy and comfortable home and I feel we made two good friends. Special thanks also to another friend in LA. We met in Sitges last year and without hesitation he let me stay in his apartment for several days – what a gentleman.
Ambitiously, I took a rather large drag out of an interesting contraption and the hallucinations that followed were nothing short of fabulous!
One experience perhaps worth sharing for it’s simple comedy value is the night I smoked weed. Marijuana is legal in California so long as you have a prescription. And I’m told if you go and see a doctor with a furrowed brow and say you’re struggling with anxiety you’ll get one! So it’s pretty common for people to be out smoking it. Ambitiously, I took a rather large drag out of an interesting contraption and the hallucinations that followed were nothing short of fabulous! I convinced myself I could walk on water, and not just water… rainbow water, the kind of water you see when oil is present in it. Added to that, the edge of every sidewalk became the sheer drop of a mountain range, so crossing roads became a challenge whilst I had to wait for the valley to fill with water so I could walk across (I know, I know). But I was safe at all times (sorry mum!) and I did it around friends I trusted – what an experience! Never again (well, I say never, I mean…).
Having provided me with lots of support, both emotional and logistical, my friend headed back to the UK and I had a little under a week before my next stop, so I decided to revisit a little town north of LA called San Luis Obispo. We’d stopped here on the ocean drive down. Partying in LA had taken it out of me and some recovery time felt wise. SLO as they call it is a little university town with a great vibe but likened to a small town back in the UK. As it was holidays, not many students were around (a blessing else I might have ended up walking on water again!). It was just what I needed though, time out to relax in a nice, chilled spot. Other gifts met me there but again, that’s for me and my journal!
Time for LA to end and Vegas to start! A friend from back home joined me to explore this sheer slut of a city. It makes no excuses for being unashamedly trashy, over the top and wild! Vegas was never really on my list but as the expression goes, when in Rome… The hotel was a small town in itself and my friend had to convince me that it wasn’t after effects of weed when I was looking up at broad daylight in the hotel concourse… it was 11pm. I’m told this effect is to keep the gamblers gambling as they lose track of time – cheeky!
We booked to see a ‘variety show’, which we expected to be every bit as shit as it sounds and possibly even hosted by the Vegas equivalent of Bruce Forsyth. But it wasn’t the comedy tragic we expected, it was hilarious and jaw dropping from act to act. I won’t write a full review here, but needless to say when a pair of humans who look as beautiful as a roast dinner looks on a hungover Sunday enter stage, in roller skates, and proceed to spin around on an oversized dish with muscles flexing to the point of impregnating every female watching (or so they’d wish)… you know you’re in for a good show.
The highlight of my Vegas trip wasn’t putting any of my poultry traveller’s budget in the slots, it was a helicopter tour over the Grand Caynon. Had it not been for my friend’s generosity I’d have been circling round the thing on a push bike. Instead we got well over an hour in the air to see the Hoover Dam, explore Lake Mead, then drop down for a champagne lunch in the canyon itself (fancy!). It’s truly mindboggling when you’re not used to seeing nature on that scale. It was a very grounding moment. Whilst we’re on nature, one night we decided to travel two hours out of town to see sunset over Death Valley. Wow, is all I’ll say. The pictures do it no justice but it was magical. There were no more than 10 of us at this particular spot and as they all left, my friend and I stayed to soak up the atmosphere. Not a single man made light or structure in sight for as far as the eye could see. After we overcame a small panic of having no signal and therefore no Google Maps, we nevertheless eventually managed to find our way back to the craziness of Vegas.
Our final night was drunk away in a duelling piano bar where there was a gentleman who was the cross between Ken Hom (ethnicity) and Anika Rice (clothing). He spent his evening serenading unsuspecting women and being our entertainment. That sealed off what was a fast-paced, fun weekend. I was so overwhelmed by the whole experience I even forgot to get the standard photo with the Vegas sign. Damn.
Next on the list – Kansas. So many people looked confused when I said I was visiting here, as if I’d booked a flight to some sketchy middle east country. But let me explain. A very good friend and his husband are living there for the next two years and I was desperate to catch up with them, so I thought I’d give it a go. <insert quote about friend’s of Dorothy> It’s completely off the tourist trail and I think for that reason, I got to experience some ‘real’ America. First stop, a local fayre, where they put farm animals into beauty parades (true story!). So that was, interesting. Then I got to have a night out in Kansas City Mo (I think I said it right, Kansas is split across two states – Kansas and Missouri – and you have to be clear on which side you are on). The gay scene there is small, but a lot of fun and even more so with two of my best friends. I also happened to catch the eye of a cute local guy, which was a pleasant and unexpected surprise – again, between me and the journal!
Kansas felt like time out. I got to catch up with my bessie whilst going to a waterpark, watching stuff on Netflix (Stranger Things is amazing!) and just plodding around. It felt so nice for a change to just go with the flow and not feel the pressure to be ‘doing’ something. The visit also coincided with my birthday! And whilst with my depression I tend to watch how much I drink, that went out the window a little and we ended up in some duelling piano bar drinking what can only be described as alcoholic washing detergent (citrus flavour, to be specific). That didn’t make my flight the next day overly comfortable, but it was totally worth it – if only to see my best mate’s puppy dog look of disappointment when the said pianists didn’t know ‘Spandau Ballet – Gold’.
Saying goodbye was tough and I’ll admit I had a little cry in the airport. But, a cheeky few hours on the wonder that is American Airlines (who seemingly only employ incredibly glamourous 50+ flight attendants) and I found myself in Austin, Texas. The slogan of this awesome city is ‘Keep Austin Weird’ and I can see why. Even despite the high temperatures and 90% humidity (which made me sweat like Oscar Pistorius at the sight of a lie detector) I would put Austin in my top three favourite places on the trip so far. The bars are cool, the people are kind, and they have 1.5 million urban bats that fly out from under the city bridge every night a sunset – what’s not to like!? The food is ridiculously good (mainly BBQ) and if you need to cool off, there’s a natural spring nearby called ‘Barton Springs’ which is fed by icy cold water. Perfect if you’re overheating, not so great if you’re trying to impress the cute guy on the grassy knoll *looks down*. The music is also worth a mention. The same friend who joined me in Vegas met me again in Austin and on our last night we went to (another) duelling Piano bar. They actually did know popular, non-American songs which made for a fun night. Not quite like Vegas – no crazy Asian men, but still a hoot (one particular lady, let’s call her Jackie, mid-forties, divorced, on a night out with ‘her girls’ seemed to having all the fun with a rather ‘handsy’ older man in the corner of the bar. It added to the weirdness of Austin). Diet coke was free, so that was nice. I loved Austin.
Almost there now, stay with me. We hired a car from Austin to New Orleans (pronounced new-or-linz apparently). I’m reluctant to say this was my favourite city in America, as I’m still deciding, but it’s up there for sure. The French Quarter is the main attraction here and what a place. Bourbon Street is like Mardi Gras every night but the scene there is relaxed and friendly. It’s basically a gay town time WeHo, just in the South! We were there for one of their many parties, this time one where everyone runs two miles in a red dress! That night was particularly messy (for them, not us). Most people were drunk by 2pm and given I didn’t have my red number on me, I wasn’t prepared to play catch me up! We enjoyed some great food but I’d say the music was the highlight. We happened upon a bar called ‘Three Muses’ on Frenchman Street. A jazz band took to the stage and kept us entertained all night. The female singer got increasingly drunk as the night went on (my spirit female) and progressively more soulful as she belted out some awesome jazz classics.
I said I’d give them a mention so here it is. Two men cutting hair. A barber shop just outside the French Quarter. I knew instantly that the guy was gay as I looked up at a tiara and sequined hat but I kept mum and busied myself with my munchmallows (love that quote, it’s referenced here). Soon enough we ‘came out’ to each other and after a quick trim he told me we should go to the local leather bar that evening as six drag queens were in leather and an equal number of leathers were in drag. They’d swapped roles for the night and were doing acts on stage for charity. Well of course I was in. We went and it didn’t disappoint – not least for seeing the man who cut my hair now in full drag! I should point out that this was my friend’s second experience of a gay bar. His expressions were as amusing as the entertainment!
No visit to NOLA (New Orleans Louisiana) is complete without a visit to a swamp, of course. We’d spent 6 days in the city and the weather had been pretty poor (rain, humid, hot, rain) so this seemed like a good idea. And it was. We whizzed around huge swamp lakes on an airboat winding through trees, small nooks and slowing down to feed alligators’ marshmallows (no, really). It was an exhilarating experience and despite me positioning myself in the lap of the poor woman next to me at one point (I jumped a little too much when we got up close with a tree spider) we had a great time.
And then finally here, Miami. For one day. As we lay on the beach and dipped in the tepid ocean we were left scratching our heads as to why we didn’t spend more time here. South Beach is pretty cool. I can’t say I saw much of Miami though. I went of the hunt for the famous hotel featured in ‘Birdcage’ and that was probably my highlight! Would I go back again? Only if it made sense as a stopover.
In summary, America, I didn’t think I’d love you as much as I do. You are a collection of countries who speak the same language (kinda!), you are diverse, you are intriguing. Your food is too sweet but I’ll forgive you. I will certainly visit you again, without doubt… so long as you don’t vote Trump (joking… not joking).
So that my dear friends, brings you right up to speed. Next stop (boarding now!) is Peru in South America. I’m going to have lots to say about this one so I’ll leave it there for now. If you managed to read this far, thank you, and well done. Your stamina is appreciated.
Over and out.
Cover picture – whilst in New Orleans a little butterfly appeared from seemingly thin air as we dined indoors. The staff said they’d never seen one. I looked it up and it means good fortune, so I’m happy about that!